Teacher Tech Help
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
New to the area, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced.
On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
A Good Haircut
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
What's Good Tonight?
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
The True Test
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
Repeat Your Position
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company."
True Wisdom? Pt. 3
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
True Wisdom? Pt. 2
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK...so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
True Wisdom? Pt. 1
A day without sunshine is like....night.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Faulty Owner's Manual
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Bibles and Cellular Phones
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around on our belt, in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it even when it wasn't an emergency?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing...
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking at him and pointing your stick straight at him."
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local video rental store. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffed him and hustled him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
Post Card Help
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
Coast Guard Lingo
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
Remember that Street Name
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street."
The Age Advantage
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
A Great Workou
tI feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it."
Tired and Thirsty
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
Good Old Days
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
Asking the Right Question?
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
Questions Worth Asking, Part 3
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Questions Worth Asking, Part 2
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you were to create mouse-flavored cat food, who would test it to let you know it definitely tastes like mouse?
Questions Worth Asking, Part 1
Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin ?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Famous Last Words, Pt. 5
*Let it down slowly
*Don’t unplug it, it will only take a minute to fix.
"What does this button do?"
*Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
*Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
*Don't worry, it's not used any more.
*Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
*Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
*You have driven this before, haven't you?
*And that one over there...the red flashing one. What does that mean?
*It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
Famous Last Words, Pt. 4
*OK, this is the last time.
*Don't be so superstitious.
*Now watch this.
*This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
*Hey everyone, watch this!
*Look! No hands!
*Are you sure the electricity is off?
*I wonder where the mother bear is?
*What happens when I touch these to wires together?
Famous Last Words, Pt. 3
*I'll get your toast out.
*It's strong enough for both of us.
*This doesn't taste right.
*I can make this light before it changes.
*I can do that with my eyes closed.
*I've done this before.
*Well we've made it this far.
*I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
*I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
*You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Famous Last Words, Pt. 2*No, my shoes aren't untied.
*The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
*Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
*Pull the pin and count to what?
*Which wire was I supposed to cut?
*These are the good kind of mushrooms.
*I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
*What's that priest doing here?
*Let it down slowly.
*Rat poison only kills rats.
*It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Famous Last Words, Pt. 1
*I'll get a world record for this.
*Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
*Hey, there's no handles inside these car doors!
*Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
*He's probably just hibernating.
*What does this button do?
*I'm making a citizen's arrest.
*So, you're a cannibal.
*It's probably just a rash.
*Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 3
Due to construction on the north side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can dance the night away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for lunch Tuesday? Local funeral director, Barry Gilbert, will talk about the benefits of cremation.
Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 2
Events: December 9th, Christmas caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The youth group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 1
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
Our Wednesday night family cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton soup.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "My computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking."
The golfer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club pro had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
A Matter of Opinion
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good time."
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."
Mowing the Lawn
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, then cut off again. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
Not as Bad as They Say
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There are crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."
"Hold on," Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."
A Blind Fish?
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Think or Thwim
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.
No Seeing-eye Dog
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there any thing you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.
What About the Kids?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Make Sure You are Positive
Two hydrogen atoms meet on the street. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
Bob took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bob tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).
Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Bob spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.
"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
The Informal Hearing Test
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
The Yard Sale
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
To address an emergency call, a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room and closed the door with the patient and himself inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finally he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 7
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 6
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 5
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 4
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 3
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 2Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 1
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Brothers and SistersA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
The Trip to Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
What Would You Do?A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Helping Hand?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please, don't shove me either!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Shakespearean in Dallas
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
You know you are a geek when*You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
*You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
*You check your web access page more than once a day.
*You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
*Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
*Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C++."
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
Traffic Laughs, Part 2
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
Traffic Laughs, Part 1
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
Clergy Crowd Control
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said,
"Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
Two Philistines were racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they were going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleaded the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replied, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.
A Hi-Tech Litmus Test
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well," Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet."
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
Interpreting Hotel Brochures
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical ............. Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town
Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............. Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ............. Already occupied
Explore on your own ............. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............. They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............. No extras
Nominal fee ............. Outrageous charge
Standard ............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ............. Standard
Superior ............. One free shower cap
All the amenities ............. Two free shower caps
Cozy ............. Small
Plush ............. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ............. Theme park nearby
Concierge ............. Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ............. Free muffin
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge went down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
Rest Home Trial
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:
"There are MEN in this place!"
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
Many years ago my just-married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.
She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."
Are You a Policeman?
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d', "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the Maitre d' admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George can't make it tonight!"
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
A young couple decided to redecorate their bedroom. They weren't sure how many rolls of wallpaper they would need, but they knew that the couple next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
So, they called their friends and asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said their friends.
So they bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls leftover.
They called their friends back and said, "We bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but we've got 2 left over!"
"Yeah, so did we."
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two pounds of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate plastic bag, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three pounds of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a plastic bag too." She does.
"And what are those there?" he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
Salt Lake vs. Denver
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from Illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
Sunday - a matter of perspective
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."